For reasons I am not able to talk about in this particular blog, I will be closing this out and moving my blog elsewhere.

I'll let those of you who subscribe know what the new link is as soon as I set it up.

~M

One Day At A Time

Let me start by saying that I have the most awesome friends. My phone rings and my email chimes all day and night with people checking in on me.

Today was a pretty good day. I took some meds last night and actually slept for the first time in days. Although, when it was time to get up this morning, I didn't so much want to! I was crazy busy at work today, I had a ride-along with someone from our claims team. That means, rather than being in the car by myself, driving from place to place, I had someone with me to entertain most of the day. I finished up pretty early though and was back in the office (yes, upstairs computer room) by about 3:00 to finish my paperwork and jump on a conference call.

I had a meeting tonight for Junior League, and just got home...so I haven't seen or talked to Tom all day, he's already in his room, asleep I guess. So I'm taking a few minutes to blog, then I have more work to do.

I made a decision today that I hope will help me get through this the best way I can. I realized, with some help, that I'm the only one that can decide how my day is going to go. I am going to make an effort to have a positive day, all day, every day.

I went to the sales office in my neighborhood today to talk with the lady who works there that sold us our house. She also is a Christian counselor and we talked about how I can make the effort every day to live my life for God and for me...or I can choose to be miserable and make it about Tom...well, I decided not to make it about Tom. We talked for a long time, we prayed together and laughed and cried. It was a great hour and I just dropped by to wish her a Happy Birthday!

Another thing I was told today was not to give him the satisfaction of feeling he made the right decision by feeding into him and being mean and nasty...that just will solidify the decision he made for him. I guess the best thing I can do is show him the best of me and let him see what he let go of. Maybe someday he'll figure it out.

So, from this point forward, I am taking back control of my emotions, my life and turning the negatives into positives as best I can. There still will be times of sadness, I'm sure. Lord knows, I'm not perfect, but I'm making the effort.

Anyway, tonight is just a quick update, it's all good and it's one day at a time.

Changing Times

Well, it's been since May 14 that I blogged last. Guess it's time to catch everyone up on the happenings in the Torres household.

Tom has FINALLY made it to Florida from Connecticut. I know most of you are saying, that's so great...keep reading though, it's not all sunshine in Florida this week. His route in CT sold, he took a day or so to himself, and then traveled to Florida to purchase the route here. He arrived on Tuesday the 19th and closed on the Jacksonville route on Friday, the 22nd.

It was 22 weeks that we were apart, and the night after he got home, don't you know, I had to go to Orlando for a convention for four days.

The Florida Association of Insurance Agents (sounds fun, doesn't it?) Annual Convention was this week and, of course, my company was a major sponsor of the event. We did a trade show type exhibit booth for two days, set up, tear down, awards luncheons and a lot of entertaining the rest of the time. These shows are exhausting. On Saturday, I headed for home so that I could have one day of my weekend to relax and regroup for this week.

Unfortunatley when I got home, Tom and I began discussing the future of our relationship, after he had a soul-searching 22 weeks in Connecticut, and the weekend ended with his request for a divorce. He no longer feels as though this marriage is something he wants in his life and no longer feels that he can contribute to our relationship.

While I knew a couple of months back that he was stressed and unhappy and not 100% committed to the move to Florida anymore, I honestly thought that things would be better when he got here. The fact that he resents our move to Florida for my career is tough to take, especially since he was the one who encouraged me to apply for the promotion. I never would have taken this leap knowing that it would be to the detriment of my marriage, but he doesn't believe that. I asked him to give all of this time, 60 days even, to see how things that he had some issues with could be a little bit different. 60 days to get into a routine here, get settled in his route and work on us....he declined my request, he gave up, he's walking away and I need to learn to accept it, I guess.

The past two days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I go from a raging psycho-lunatic to sad and crying my eyes out, begging him to give it one more shot. Last night we talked about my emotions and my feeling that a little 'happy pill' to get my mood swings under control might not be a bad idea. He thinks I don't need anything, but I'm not comfortable in my own mind right now and I don't like that feeling at all.

Needless to say-today I headed to the doctor's office and now have a little something to take the edge off. I already had the appointment for something else, so I just added this to it when I got there. She also suggested I keep a journal about all of this, as part of the self discovery process she felt like I'd be going through the next few weeks and months. Hence, my first blog post in six weeks!

I know that I have an awesome support network. I have the best friends anyone could ask for and my phone has rung non-stop last night and today with people calling to see how I am....even some of my newest friends have called and checked in with me. What a great feeling to know that my friends and family are a phone call away when I ever need anything...I love you all!

One of the toughest parts of this is that he is here, in the house. He went through with the move, and since Tuesday has been living in the spare bedroom, what used to be one of our guest rooms. I am trying like crazy to learn to peacefully co-exist in the same house until it sells (no it's not on the market yet, will try to take care of that this week).

This is where my emotions are currently getting the better of me. There are times when I can talk to him and have a civil conversation, answer his questions or whatever. Then there are times when I'd like nothing more than for him to move out of the house since he asked for it to be done. Yet, there are times when I want so badly for him to be willing to work on things and I can't stop following him around the house asking him questions. I seem to never know how the emotions are going to be, and I don't do well not knowing what to expect. Today, for no apparent reason, I was just mean. Not nasty-mean, just short tempered and not overly friendly to him. Yet, he went to CVS and picked up my prescriptions while he was out running errands and having dinner.

Someone said today that he's already been through the flood of emotions, he's done, he decided before he got here that he was done and he's already been through upset, hurt, angry, etc...and now it's my turn and he's just watching me go through the emotions. That totally sucks. I keep asking myself over and over again....Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?? I have yet to come up with an answer other than I love him and I thought we could make this work. I'm not ready to give up, I don't want it to be over and I'd do just about anything right now to have the opportunity to make it work. However, I know that I can't do it all by myself, and he's not willing to try.

At this point, I think I've decided that the only thing I can do is live one day at a time. I have a vacation coming up at the end of this week, it's taking me to the beach for a week with some of my friends, and some family and I'm going to enjoy every moment of every day while I'm there. The countdown is on and it's 45 minutes until 4 days til the beach :)

Until next time~

Mother's Day Blues

Have you ever wanted something so bad and it just doesn't seem to be in the 'plan'?

As we all know, yesterday was Mother's Day. Mother's Day for someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages, a tubal ligation and a tubal ligation reversal surgery and who still has no children, well, quite simply--SUCKS.

While I was incredibly happy to spend the entire weekend with my mom, my grandmother and the rest of my awesome family, this particular day of the year leaves me a little unfulfilled.

First I should say, that I really am thankful for the blessings I have been given in my life. I have a great family, the absolute best friends anyone could ask for, a beautiful God-Daughter that I am much closer to now and get to spend a lot more time with, a slew of children... all growing wayyyyy too fast, that think their Aunt Michelle is great, and likewise, they all are awesome!

I have had wonderful career opportunities, and my current work role is really the best thing I've ever done. That being said, the thing I want the most, I can't seem to ever work out. There is nothing in this world I want more than to be a mom.

Yesterday, I got the sweetest voicemail from a friend wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. The voicemail was just so sweet, passing along Mother's Day wishes, because of knowing how bad I want to be a mom. It was the highlight of my day.

I think about this a lot, there are times when it's all-consuming and I analyze (as I do everything) the good and the bad about having children at close to 40. I look at my friends and their kids, and think, GOSH, they're almost 'done' raising their kids and I haven't even been able to start. One side of me thinks, I want this so bad, that I'd give just about anything to have it and the other part of me thinks I'm crazy to be 60 with a child going off to college, I mean, my mom is 60 and I'm, um, well....not going off to college at this age :-) LOL

Granted, Tom's not even here, so the thought of even trying is out the window til he finally gets here...and then what... what if there's ANOTHER miscarriage?? I think I'd go off the deep end. I'm not good at handling that trauma, I've been through it more times that I'd like to remember and each time I felt like I handled it worse, when it seemed like I should be able to handle it better. The list of what if's grows with that one, what if we had a child who wasn't healthy, what if something went wrong, what if .....fill in the blanks...it's all things I've seen or known of happening, and it's scary!

The tubal reversal surgery was in January of 2005, the last miscarriage in July 2005, almost 2 years ago. May is the month that the two other miscarriages occurred, one in 1994, one in 1995....great track record, huh? So, Mother's Day and miscarriage 'reminders' all in the same two weeks, G R E A T.

I know that with the miscarriage history that I have and the reversal surgery and the "advanced age" that the chances of conceiving and carrying to term becomes slimmer with every passing month. That turns my thought to adoption, it's certainly an option, although not one that Tom is completely up for, mostly because of the outrageous price of adoption, unless we choose to go through the Foster Care system. I believe that this brings on its own set of challenges though.

I don't know what the answer is, it's just my thoughts typed out today, it's how I've been feeling after Mother's Day and being home tonight (and every night) by myself with time to contemplate. I just wish there was a way to make it work, make it fabulous, and have the opportunity.

Dang, even Jay Leno is doing a portion of his monologue about Mother's Day---Good Lord! Granted, it's funny, thank goodness! I guess if it's meant to be and it's in God's plan, then someday this will work out for me. This is part of my Type A--control freak personality--I have no control over this and it makes me NUTS!!

Ahhh....too much time to think tonight!

Okay--As always, All the best!

~M

It's Been A While

Wow---time flies when you're having fun!?! I was ever so gently reminded that it's been months since I posted anything on this blog and people are wondering where their updates are. Well, I'll try to keep it to the highlights---but here goes!

So---January-we got the closings done on both houses, all went fairly well with the move itself. Man, do we have a lot of stuff! The moving truck was packed full of stuff, and then the outdoor stuff was on a platform on the back. It's a good thing we didn't have one more piece of furniture, or we might have been leaving it behind!

The Florida house is F A B U L O U S. I absolutely love it. The neighborhood is great, I've met some great friends and the house, while it has its builder quirks, is all good! I've had some issue with the plumbing contractor that takes care of the warranty work, it's an uphill battle getting them to show up when they're scheduled, and to be able to do the job they have scheduled in the first visit, and correctly at that. They've been here 8 times, for two different things, almost every time I've had to take off work and wait for them...sometimes they don't show up. Needless to say-my appointments with them are now on Saturday's upon my angry demands. If that's the worst thing we have an issue with, it's all good!

The rest of the things with the house are going well. Everything is unpacked, but it's hard to hang stuff on the walls when you're the only one ever in the house...my arms aren't long enough to hold something up and stand back to see how it looks, ya know?! I have a list that grows every day of improvements that I want to do...from simple things like get the garage door opener installed and hang the ceiling fans to more difficult tasks such as hanging pendant lights over the island. Lucky for me, I have some great friends, and one just happens to be a remodeling contractor ... while they live in Tampa, we're trying to work out a deal to invite them up so Tina and I can hang out, she gets a relaxing weekend and Chris can work~I can pay him to do all the stuff that needs to be done. If I have to pay someone, I'd rather pay someone I know and trust to do the work!

The new job is great. The Florida marketing team is a great group, and we have a lot of fun when we're together. The management team meets usually every 6-8 weeks with our product department from Georgia--usually someplace fun like Orlando (where traffic is a NIGHTMARE!). In April I had the opportunity to spend a few days on the road with the University component of our company, meeting agents in Orlando and Tampa along the way. I was able to take advantage of being in Tampa by extending my trip through the weekend and spending some time catching up with friends. It was a much-needed escape and proved to be tons of fun!

I have become involved with the Junior League in Jacksonville already. I decided to jump right into placements and took on a small leadership role for next year. The JLJ's largest fundraiser is a 1200 family tag sale, called Whale Of A Sale and the night before the sale, there is a huge preview party and silent auction. I was asked to head up the silent auction component for the 2008 event. My 'goal' is to raise $20,000 during the auction. Pressure's on, although, I'm sure I'll have a great team to work with and it will be seamless :-)

While all of this sounds like a great, easy and smooth transition to Florida, I have to say now that it certainly has not been. I've been here 3 1/2 months, and Tom has yet to sell his route in Connecticut and join me. We really thought he'd be here by now, but the route sale just hasn't gone in our favor. He stayed with some friends of ours until the beginning of April, then they needed their space back and he is now renting a room in a house in CT while he waits to close on the route and move down. Things have been a bit stressed to say the least. On top of the extra money we spend on rent, the fact that we've been apart for 3 1/2 months and that the route hasn't sold---it's just a little annoying, ya know??!!??! We're hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel very, very soon. He has a route here in Jacksonville that he has to close on prior to the middle of June. Just pray that it works out. If the Jacksonville route doesn't go through, we'll be in a big mess. More on all of this as it unfolds.

Well, this is enough for now, although this is by far not all! I'll start posting more regularly so that you can all keep up. Look for the story of the church home that I found this past week, tomorrow!

Until next time~All the best

The Countdown to Confusion

The countdown has begun...In 15 days I will leave Connecticut behind and return to being a resident of the great, sunny state of Florida! It has been 9 years since I have lived in Florida, where I basically grew up.

I can't wait to be closer to my family, closer to friends I've missed for years and with a home that has plenty of room for my newer friends to come down and visit us! We are both so excited about starting a life in our new town and being in our big, beautiful, brand new house. This is all incredibly new to Tom. He's never lived in Florida, he's never lived in a brand new house that nobody else has ever lived in, he's never experienced a move with MOVERS, he's staying behind in Connecticut to finish up selling his bread route, he will be staying with some friends of ours (THANKS guys-we'll be ever-greatful).

This weekend starts about 10 days worth of get-togethers, goodbye dinners, events, work and Junior League transitions, etc. Things will be crazy. To top it all off---movers SUCK! We had originally gotten quotes from movers, decent quotes (surprisingly so) and now that the survey's have been done, of course the quotes have gone up--almost by an additional 30%--um, HELLO!?! Crazy, just crazy!

We apparently have somewhere between 10,000 and 13,000 pounds of "stuff"; including a television that requires someone to CRATE it, a riding lawn mower, which we don't need and 'extra boxes/packing material' because we have a lot of breakables---sorry everything we own isn't plastic?? Jeez!

Also, there are transportation 'issues'. I have a company car, at first I was leaving the company car here for my replacement and getting a new company car in FL...makes sense, it's a company move---but then I was supposed to DRIVE my company car 1023 miles to Florida...then trade it for the new car (um??), NOW I am back to flying (with the new dog-a whole other issue) on the day of the walk-through and closing and renting a car when I get to the airport and will then be in the rental car until my new company car is delivered (8 weeks or so).

What am I doing with the dog at the closing of the house you ask? Well, great question, I didn't think of it until today-and I suppose she's going to wait in the car-since I don't have anywhere else to put her.

Ya know-everyone says moving sucks...I didn't ever understand until today--but guess what?

Moving Sucks!!

FINALLY An Update!!!

Okay-it's been a long time since I posted, so here's my update :) Sorry for the delays-it's been crazy here!


Happy New Year 2007!

For the first time in a lot of years, I was not together enough to send out Christmas cards, so I thought I’d do a Happy New Year letter and catch you all up on what’s been going on in our lives throughout this year.

As many of you know, in January I left State Farm and started a new job with Infinity Insurance Company, as a territory representative in the Hartford/New Haven area, although a lot of the summer I worked in the Philadelphia area, assisting our reps there. Basically my day consists of ‘selling’ our programs to independent insurance agents who then sell them to their clients. My company specializes in non-standard, or hard to place, auto insurance risks. The job, the company, the benefits and the flexibility have been a great asset to us this year. I work basically from my car, but my ‘office’ is home, so it’s been great transition!

We were able to get away for just a couple of days in the spring to Maryland, visiting friends and enjoying the Eastern Shore. Of course, with Tom’s business, it’s difficult for us to get away, but we did manage an overnight trip to Boston in September to visit some friends of mine who were up from Tampa, Florida. We had a great time, sightseeing with Dan & Suzanne and just being away together. Right after our return from Boston, I spent about 5 days in New Orleans with the Junior League, on a rebuilding project. There were over 500 volunteers from all across the US, Canada and England to work with the Junior League of New Orleans at rebuilding their city from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. The magnitude of the devastation is enormous, so different than what we see on TV. We had the opportunity to work on a few different job sites doing everything from gutting houses to the studs to sanding drywall and working to help clean up the parks and cemeteries. It was a great experience and I was happy to have the opportunity, along with 4 other members of the New Haven Junior League. I made it home just in time for our 2nd wedding anniversary on October 8, 2006, only to leave again 3 days later to spend some time celebrating my mom’s 60th birthday at her party in Florida. I’ve traveled enough this year for both Tom & I!


Tom found out this summer that he needs knee surgery. His MCL & ACL both need to be replaced. Unfortunately, that caused him to have to withdraw from his sixth time running the New York City Marathon. He was disappointed, but hopes to have the knee surgery in early 2007. He’s been keeping busy as ever with his Pepperidge Farm route and growing his territory nicely, with the addition of a brand new BJ’s Wholesale Club. The bread business doesn’t lend itself well to travel and being able to spend time with our families, but all of that is about to change.

Our biggest news this year is that in the beginning of December I was promoted with Infinity and will be managing a sales territory in JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA-so we are moving SOUTH! Tom will sell his route in Connecticut and hopes to take some time off (WOW!) and purchase a route in the Jacksonville area. Our move will take place during the last week of January 2007. Everything for the move has been falling into place. I was able to take a quick trip the week of Tom’s 37th birthday, incorporating a business trip to Atlanta, down to Jacksonville and spend some time looking at houses and the week of Christmas we both took a quick overnight trip to decide on ‘the house’.

Unfortunately the day after Christmas, we also had to have Nilla put to sleep. It was a difficult decision, a very sad process, and we are quickly realizing we don’t like a quiet house and hope to get another dog when we get settled in Florida.

That pretty much sums up our year, it’s been a wild ride this year, lots of business trips for me, several trips back and forth to New Jersey for Tom as he finished up his stint Advisory Board Chair for the Demolay. We’re hoping to get to Florida and maybe, just maybe, relax a little bit. We’ll have plenty of room for visitors, so come on down!

Home e-mail will probably be changing, but my work e-mail remains the same at michelle.torres@ipacc.com. Also, check out our blog to keep up with our daily doings at www.blogspot.com/tomich1008, here you can read about our adventures as we post them. Subscribe to get your post emailed to you without having to check the site when we post.

Here’s hoping you all have a fabulous, safe and happy 2007!

All the best,

The Torres’