Mother's Day Blues

Have you ever wanted something so bad and it just doesn't seem to be in the 'plan'?

As we all know, yesterday was Mother's Day. Mother's Day for someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages, a tubal ligation and a tubal ligation reversal surgery and who still has no children, well, quite simply--SUCKS.

While I was incredibly happy to spend the entire weekend with my mom, my grandmother and the rest of my awesome family, this particular day of the year leaves me a little unfulfilled.

First I should say, that I really am thankful for the blessings I have been given in my life. I have a great family, the absolute best friends anyone could ask for, a beautiful God-Daughter that I am much closer to now and get to spend a lot more time with, a slew of children... all growing wayyyyy too fast, that think their Aunt Michelle is great, and likewise, they all are awesome!

I have had wonderful career opportunities, and my current work role is really the best thing I've ever done. That being said, the thing I want the most, I can't seem to ever work out. There is nothing in this world I want more than to be a mom.

Yesterday, I got the sweetest voicemail from a friend wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. The voicemail was just so sweet, passing along Mother's Day wishes, because of knowing how bad I want to be a mom. It was the highlight of my day.

I think about this a lot, there are times when it's all-consuming and I analyze (as I do everything) the good and the bad about having children at close to 40. I look at my friends and their kids, and think, GOSH, they're almost 'done' raising their kids and I haven't even been able to start. One side of me thinks, I want this so bad, that I'd give just about anything to have it and the other part of me thinks I'm crazy to be 60 with a child going off to college, I mean, my mom is 60 and I'm, um, well....not going off to college at this age :-) LOL

Granted, Tom's not even here, so the thought of even trying is out the window til he finally gets here...and then what... what if there's ANOTHER miscarriage?? I think I'd go off the deep end. I'm not good at handling that trauma, I've been through it more times that I'd like to remember and each time I felt like I handled it worse, when it seemed like I should be able to handle it better. The list of what if's grows with that one, what if we had a child who wasn't healthy, what if something went wrong, what if .....fill in the blanks...it's all things I've seen or known of happening, and it's scary!

The tubal reversal surgery was in January of 2005, the last miscarriage in July 2005, almost 2 years ago. May is the month that the two other miscarriages occurred, one in 1994, one in 1995....great track record, huh? So, Mother's Day and miscarriage 'reminders' all in the same two weeks, G R E A T.

I know that with the miscarriage history that I have and the reversal surgery and the "advanced age" that the chances of conceiving and carrying to term becomes slimmer with every passing month. That turns my thought to adoption, it's certainly an option, although not one that Tom is completely up for, mostly because of the outrageous price of adoption, unless we choose to go through the Foster Care system. I believe that this brings on its own set of challenges though.

I don't know what the answer is, it's just my thoughts typed out today, it's how I've been feeling after Mother's Day and being home tonight (and every night) by myself with time to contemplate. I just wish there was a way to make it work, make it fabulous, and have the opportunity.

Dang, even Jay Leno is doing a portion of his monologue about Mother's Day---Good Lord! Granted, it's funny, thank goodness! I guess if it's meant to be and it's in God's plan, then someday this will work out for me. This is part of my Type A--control freak personality--I have no control over this and it makes me NUTS!!

Ahhh....too much time to think tonight!

Okay--As always, All the best!

~M