One Day At A Time

Let me start by saying that I have the most awesome friends. My phone rings and my email chimes all day and night with people checking in on me.

Today was a pretty good day. I took some meds last night and actually slept for the first time in days. Although, when it was time to get up this morning, I didn't so much want to! I was crazy busy at work today, I had a ride-along with someone from our claims team. That means, rather than being in the car by myself, driving from place to place, I had someone with me to entertain most of the day. I finished up pretty early though and was back in the office (yes, upstairs computer room) by about 3:00 to finish my paperwork and jump on a conference call.

I had a meeting tonight for Junior League, and just got home...so I haven't seen or talked to Tom all day, he's already in his room, asleep I guess. So I'm taking a few minutes to blog, then I have more work to do.

I made a decision today that I hope will help me get through this the best way I can. I realized, with some help, that I'm the only one that can decide how my day is going to go. I am going to make an effort to have a positive day, all day, every day.

I went to the sales office in my neighborhood today to talk with the lady who works there that sold us our house. She also is a Christian counselor and we talked about how I can make the effort every day to live my life for God and for me...or I can choose to be miserable and make it about Tom...well, I decided not to make it about Tom. We talked for a long time, we prayed together and laughed and cried. It was a great hour and I just dropped by to wish her a Happy Birthday!

Another thing I was told today was not to give him the satisfaction of feeling he made the right decision by feeding into him and being mean and nasty...that just will solidify the decision he made for him. I guess the best thing I can do is show him the best of me and let him see what he let go of. Maybe someday he'll figure it out.

So, from this point forward, I am taking back control of my emotions, my life and turning the negatives into positives as best I can. There still will be times of sadness, I'm sure. Lord knows, I'm not perfect, but I'm making the effort.

Anyway, tonight is just a quick update, it's all good and it's one day at a time.

Changing Times

Well, it's been since May 14 that I blogged last. Guess it's time to catch everyone up on the happenings in the Torres household.

Tom has FINALLY made it to Florida from Connecticut. I know most of you are saying, that's so great...keep reading though, it's not all sunshine in Florida this week. His route in CT sold, he took a day or so to himself, and then traveled to Florida to purchase the route here. He arrived on Tuesday the 19th and closed on the Jacksonville route on Friday, the 22nd.

It was 22 weeks that we were apart, and the night after he got home, don't you know, I had to go to Orlando for a convention for four days.

The Florida Association of Insurance Agents (sounds fun, doesn't it?) Annual Convention was this week and, of course, my company was a major sponsor of the event. We did a trade show type exhibit booth for two days, set up, tear down, awards luncheons and a lot of entertaining the rest of the time. These shows are exhausting. On Saturday, I headed for home so that I could have one day of my weekend to relax and regroup for this week.

Unfortunatley when I got home, Tom and I began discussing the future of our relationship, after he had a soul-searching 22 weeks in Connecticut, and the weekend ended with his request for a divorce. He no longer feels as though this marriage is something he wants in his life and no longer feels that he can contribute to our relationship.

While I knew a couple of months back that he was stressed and unhappy and not 100% committed to the move to Florida anymore, I honestly thought that things would be better when he got here. The fact that he resents our move to Florida for my career is tough to take, especially since he was the one who encouraged me to apply for the promotion. I never would have taken this leap knowing that it would be to the detriment of my marriage, but he doesn't believe that. I asked him to give all of this time, 60 days even, to see how things that he had some issues with could be a little bit different. 60 days to get into a routine here, get settled in his route and work on us....he declined my request, he gave up, he's walking away and I need to learn to accept it, I guess.

The past two days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I go from a raging psycho-lunatic to sad and crying my eyes out, begging him to give it one more shot. Last night we talked about my emotions and my feeling that a little 'happy pill' to get my mood swings under control might not be a bad idea. He thinks I don't need anything, but I'm not comfortable in my own mind right now and I don't like that feeling at all.

Needless to say-today I headed to the doctor's office and now have a little something to take the edge off. I already had the appointment for something else, so I just added this to it when I got there. She also suggested I keep a journal about all of this, as part of the self discovery process she felt like I'd be going through the next few weeks and months. Hence, my first blog post in six weeks!

I know that I have an awesome support network. I have the best friends anyone could ask for and my phone has rung non-stop last night and today with people calling to see how I am....even some of my newest friends have called and checked in with me. What a great feeling to know that my friends and family are a phone call away when I ever need anything...I love you all!

One of the toughest parts of this is that he is here, in the house. He went through with the move, and since Tuesday has been living in the spare bedroom, what used to be one of our guest rooms. I am trying like crazy to learn to peacefully co-exist in the same house until it sells (no it's not on the market yet, will try to take care of that this week).

This is where my emotions are currently getting the better of me. There are times when I can talk to him and have a civil conversation, answer his questions or whatever. Then there are times when I'd like nothing more than for him to move out of the house since he asked for it to be done. Yet, there are times when I want so badly for him to be willing to work on things and I can't stop following him around the house asking him questions. I seem to never know how the emotions are going to be, and I don't do well not knowing what to expect. Today, for no apparent reason, I was just mean. Not nasty-mean, just short tempered and not overly friendly to him. Yet, he went to CVS and picked up my prescriptions while he was out running errands and having dinner.

Someone said today that he's already been through the flood of emotions, he's done, he decided before he got here that he was done and he's already been through upset, hurt, angry, etc...and now it's my turn and he's just watching me go through the emotions. That totally sucks. I keep asking myself over and over again....Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?? I have yet to come up with an answer other than I love him and I thought we could make this work. I'm not ready to give up, I don't want it to be over and I'd do just about anything right now to have the opportunity to make it work. However, I know that I can't do it all by myself, and he's not willing to try.

At this point, I think I've decided that the only thing I can do is live one day at a time. I have a vacation coming up at the end of this week, it's taking me to the beach for a week with some of my friends, and some family and I'm going to enjoy every moment of every day while I'm there. The countdown is on and it's 45 minutes until 4 days til the beach :)

Until next time~