Mother's Day Blues

Have you ever wanted something so bad and it just doesn't seem to be in the 'plan'?

As we all know, yesterday was Mother's Day. Mother's Day for someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages, a tubal ligation and a tubal ligation reversal surgery and who still has no children, well, quite simply--SUCKS.

While I was incredibly happy to spend the entire weekend with my mom, my grandmother and the rest of my awesome family, this particular day of the year leaves me a little unfulfilled.

First I should say, that I really am thankful for the blessings I have been given in my life. I have a great family, the absolute best friends anyone could ask for, a beautiful God-Daughter that I am much closer to now and get to spend a lot more time with, a slew of children... all growing wayyyyy too fast, that think their Aunt Michelle is great, and likewise, they all are awesome!

I have had wonderful career opportunities, and my current work role is really the best thing I've ever done. That being said, the thing I want the most, I can't seem to ever work out. There is nothing in this world I want more than to be a mom.

Yesterday, I got the sweetest voicemail from a friend wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. The voicemail was just so sweet, passing along Mother's Day wishes, because of knowing how bad I want to be a mom. It was the highlight of my day.

I think about this a lot, there are times when it's all-consuming and I analyze (as I do everything) the good and the bad about having children at close to 40. I look at my friends and their kids, and think, GOSH, they're almost 'done' raising their kids and I haven't even been able to start. One side of me thinks, I want this so bad, that I'd give just about anything to have it and the other part of me thinks I'm crazy to be 60 with a child going off to college, I mean, my mom is 60 and I'm, um, well....not going off to college at this age :-) LOL

Granted, Tom's not even here, so the thought of even trying is out the window til he finally gets here...and then what... what if there's ANOTHER miscarriage?? I think I'd go off the deep end. I'm not good at handling that trauma, I've been through it more times that I'd like to remember and each time I felt like I handled it worse, when it seemed like I should be able to handle it better. The list of what if's grows with that one, what if we had a child who wasn't healthy, what if something went wrong, what if .....fill in the blanks...it's all things I've seen or known of happening, and it's scary!

The tubal reversal surgery was in January of 2005, the last miscarriage in July 2005, almost 2 years ago. May is the month that the two other miscarriages occurred, one in 1994, one in 1995....great track record, huh? So, Mother's Day and miscarriage 'reminders' all in the same two weeks, G R E A T.

I know that with the miscarriage history that I have and the reversal surgery and the "advanced age" that the chances of conceiving and carrying to term becomes slimmer with every passing month. That turns my thought to adoption, it's certainly an option, although not one that Tom is completely up for, mostly because of the outrageous price of adoption, unless we choose to go through the Foster Care system. I believe that this brings on its own set of challenges though.

I don't know what the answer is, it's just my thoughts typed out today, it's how I've been feeling after Mother's Day and being home tonight (and every night) by myself with time to contemplate. I just wish there was a way to make it work, make it fabulous, and have the opportunity.

Dang, even Jay Leno is doing a portion of his monologue about Mother's Day---Good Lord! Granted, it's funny, thank goodness! I guess if it's meant to be and it's in God's plan, then someday this will work out for me. This is part of my Type A--control freak personality--I have no control over this and it makes me NUTS!!

Ahhh....too much time to think tonight!

Okay--As always, All the best!

~M

It's Been A While

Wow---time flies when you're having fun!?! I was ever so gently reminded that it's been months since I posted anything on this blog and people are wondering where their updates are. Well, I'll try to keep it to the highlights---but here goes!

So---January-we got the closings done on both houses, all went fairly well with the move itself. Man, do we have a lot of stuff! The moving truck was packed full of stuff, and then the outdoor stuff was on a platform on the back. It's a good thing we didn't have one more piece of furniture, or we might have been leaving it behind!

The Florida house is F A B U L O U S. I absolutely love it. The neighborhood is great, I've met some great friends and the house, while it has its builder quirks, is all good! I've had some issue with the plumbing contractor that takes care of the warranty work, it's an uphill battle getting them to show up when they're scheduled, and to be able to do the job they have scheduled in the first visit, and correctly at that. They've been here 8 times, for two different things, almost every time I've had to take off work and wait for them...sometimes they don't show up. Needless to say-my appointments with them are now on Saturday's upon my angry demands. If that's the worst thing we have an issue with, it's all good!

The rest of the things with the house are going well. Everything is unpacked, but it's hard to hang stuff on the walls when you're the only one ever in the house...my arms aren't long enough to hold something up and stand back to see how it looks, ya know?! I have a list that grows every day of improvements that I want to do...from simple things like get the garage door opener installed and hang the ceiling fans to more difficult tasks such as hanging pendant lights over the island. Lucky for me, I have some great friends, and one just happens to be a remodeling contractor ... while they live in Tampa, we're trying to work out a deal to invite them up so Tina and I can hang out, she gets a relaxing weekend and Chris can work~I can pay him to do all the stuff that needs to be done. If I have to pay someone, I'd rather pay someone I know and trust to do the work!

The new job is great. The Florida marketing team is a great group, and we have a lot of fun when we're together. The management team meets usually every 6-8 weeks with our product department from Georgia--usually someplace fun like Orlando (where traffic is a NIGHTMARE!). In April I had the opportunity to spend a few days on the road with the University component of our company, meeting agents in Orlando and Tampa along the way. I was able to take advantage of being in Tampa by extending my trip through the weekend and spending some time catching up with friends. It was a much-needed escape and proved to be tons of fun!

I have become involved with the Junior League in Jacksonville already. I decided to jump right into placements and took on a small leadership role for next year. The JLJ's largest fundraiser is a 1200 family tag sale, called Whale Of A Sale and the night before the sale, there is a huge preview party and silent auction. I was asked to head up the silent auction component for the 2008 event. My 'goal' is to raise $20,000 during the auction. Pressure's on, although, I'm sure I'll have a great team to work with and it will be seamless :-)

While all of this sounds like a great, easy and smooth transition to Florida, I have to say now that it certainly has not been. I've been here 3 1/2 months, and Tom has yet to sell his route in Connecticut and join me. We really thought he'd be here by now, but the route sale just hasn't gone in our favor. He stayed with some friends of ours until the beginning of April, then they needed their space back and he is now renting a room in a house in CT while he waits to close on the route and move down. Things have been a bit stressed to say the least. On top of the extra money we spend on rent, the fact that we've been apart for 3 1/2 months and that the route hasn't sold---it's just a little annoying, ya know??!!??! We're hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel very, very soon. He has a route here in Jacksonville that he has to close on prior to the middle of June. Just pray that it works out. If the Jacksonville route doesn't go through, we'll be in a big mess. More on all of this as it unfolds.

Well, this is enough for now, although this is by far not all! I'll start posting more regularly so that you can all keep up. Look for the story of the church home that I found this past week, tomorrow!

Until next time~All the best